[ dolph reaches out to ruffle maruki's hair. because he's taller than everyone in this room and thus, his divine right. he can understand that feeling as much as he understands himself. from the corner of his eye, he watches akira, his own expression inscrutable.
with eren and thorfinn, their motivations and feelings were easier to understand. the rage, the rebellion, the fight. he could read them like the back of his palm. with akira, it was the same and it wasn't. it hit a little too close to his heart. he's not sure what to make of that.
and he's certain it's the same for akira. all dolph has right now is the benefit of hindsight and the time given to him here.
try for me, dolph told him. but what did akira want from him, he wonders. ]
It's just the stuff Jean taught me. He's the better cook, as you know.
Someone taught me what I'm making for both of you now, too. There are small ways that it becomes yours, even if it doesn't look that way at first.
[A smile cast over his shoulder, small but true. Back when Sojiro taught him... Maybe he said things like that, too.]
Next time we get together, you can make it for us. I'd like to try your cooking, too.
[Cooking should be shared, so I'd like to share it with you. That's what he'd said to Izutsumi. That's what he feels here, too.
He isn't good with words, or wanting things for himself - except for the times that emotion gets away from him. But this, here, is something that he can do. He can share the meal that he knows best with the two people who frighten him with how quickly they cause him to spill what's in his heart.
It's a recipe that was taught to him by someone that put love and hope into every plate, and sharing that... Well. It's the least that Akira can do.]
[ It isn't difficult for Maruki to put together. Back in the true reality, his Akira never told him, but– Leblanc served curry, and Sakura Sojiro once tried to kick him out before his daughter(?) stopped him. He must have taught Akira, in every reality. That's heartening to think about... ]
I agree. I'd like that too.
And then, when it's my turn... could I teach you both how to cook something?
[ his brow knits closer to the metal half of his face. there is a sense of earnest confusion on his face as he grapples with those words. there are small ways that it becomes yours. maybe that's true for other people. but not for dolph. not when his desires, his self was so enmeshed with alex's.
one only had to look at club quartz for that. a replica of club prism, where he first met alex.
everything is just . . . a copy. a weak attempt to hold onto a person's interest. to be human inside. he looks down at his hands. fake and real, side by side. easy to tell apart when you look at him. so much harder to figure out. ]
If you like. I'm not sure . . . there's anything to get out of it. I'm not even sure that you can.
[His eyebrows climb, but only for a moment. He can't be certain, not completely - but Akira can take a calculated guess. He can reach for the words that he thinks could be the right ones.]
Let me ask you something.
[Cumin, cardamom, clove. His hands know what to do, even as his lips move. His head turns completely from the pot.]
Do you like seeing Maruki-sensei smile?
[Simple, but utterly direct. Akira doesn't mention anything about himself, even though Dolph has left him feeling like part of his soul has been scooped out. He knows which of these three he can say, without a doubt, are friends. He doesn't say anything else, either; he waits to see what either of them will say.]
[ sir, you are getting elbowed. lightly, but prominently elbowed. dolph huffs after that, pushing some of his hair away from his face before giving akira a long, inscrutable look. ]
Yeah, I do. If you say the magic of my cooking does that, I'm gonna walk straight out.
[It's so unexpected that Akira snorts before he can hold it back.]
Not exactly like that, no.
[Any joking edge to his voice slips away quick enough, turns soft again.]
If there's any magic anywhere, it's the smile itself and how you feel when you see it. [Coriander, black pepper. Has hand passes over the cinnamon and plucks up the nutmeg instead. Not this time.] It doesn't matter if someone else can make the food better. It doesn't matter what you think you can or can't do. There will always be worth in what your hands make.
[Akira gives Dolph a long look, before it breaks into a smile again.
"Is it... important to you?"
"You could said that. There's a customer I'm waiting on."]
Never let anyone steal the joy of putting a smile on the face of someone you like. Not even yourself.
his hands, as if one wasn't a weapon. his weakness and his power. a door into his head. his metal hand, stained. the property of a corporation that dictated his life. dictated what his hands are for. if you hated it so much, then just give it back lucy had said derisively. this hand of his had killed her. killed jade. killed alex.
perhaps it's easier to think about stolen joys. all I ever wanted was this he told the illusion of alex on the beach, then you had to go fuck it up. but that hadn't been his fault. it wasn't his fault he had to stop loving alex. it wasn't his fault that he couldn't when it's all he ever wanted to do.
so. where to start with this? he doesn't know. he gets the point of it. dolph is his own enemy. everyone's got their own enemy in them. he saw akira's enemy within him not long ago, when he asked for the promise.
he gives a light huff. ]
Yeah, I see it.
[ with a touch of apologetic contriteness for his words, dolph meets akira's gaze. ]
Sorry. But all that stuff was stolen from me long ago. I couldn't tell you what anything is worth. And I know fuck all about joy.
All I'm doing is making it up as I go along. And hope for the best.
It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks something is worth, or what they think of joy. The only one who gets to decide those things for you is yourself. [He's looked away for about as long as he can afford to; he breaks eye contact, hands flying over the pot.] It's alright if you don't know yet, either. Just like with those preparations you mentioned to me... it's not something you have to know right away.
[A home that felt hollow, colorless, then full of betrayal. Tokyo felt like where his life began.
He's almost certain it can't compare to whatever deep wounds Dolph experienced. But maybe he knows the steps that are similar enough to help.]
You're the one that decides those things for yourself. I can't tell you how you should or shouldn't feel about something. But I can tell you what worked for me. [His eyes fall shut for just a moment, several faces flashing in his mind's eye - and then quick enough, he's back to work again.] I did what I think you've already started to do. I found myself surrounded by people that knew love. I let their kindness teach me and help me relearn things I thought I'd forgotten. And slowly, everything else fell into place.
[He became happy. Even in the times that he felt hollow, even in the times he felt grief... They helped him be happy.]
Keep finding your way.
[And then, ever so slightly, his voice shifts into something firmer. Deeper.]
Steal back what was stolen from you. Make this life yours.
[ It isn't Maruki's place to say anything on this. It's meant for Dolph, but–
He is in the unenviable position of knowing Dolph's story. Of knowing that there is nothing left for him to steal back.
While Akira speaks, Maruki shifts his chair a bit closer to Dolph's, enough so that he can rest a hand against his back without calling too much attention to it. A calm, warm, anchoring weight.
[ his voice sounds so distant from himself. who is even speaking? dolph laserhawk? or captain laserhawk? it probably doesn't even matter. they were both abysmal failures. dolph couldn't even make someone love him. captain laserhawk couldn't even save a single person. ultimately, they are the same in that regard. it doesn't matter which person he wanted to be. there's no going back. there's no turning back the clock.
even now, he could be owned by someone else. all it would take is his weakness to be revealed and whatever person he chooses to be can be erased. a few strokes on the keyboard, an inserted virus and it'll be like he never existed at all. he could stand right there and it'll have as much weight as the air around.
he's standing right here and — it's unbearable. he could flicker out right now and it'll be maruki and akira in the kitchen. cooking. eating. laughing. nothing will be missed. nothing will be noticed. a ghost? laughable. he'd be lucky if he even counted as one.
but akira is still right. so dolph inclines his head towards him. he doesn't bow under the weight of those words. he can suffer that kindness. that hope. it matters. to say it at all still matters. it hasn't fallen on deaf ears. just someone who was never here at all. never meant to be.
( idly, he wonders if holloway wiped the bloody smear on the ground. did he take a pause? did he look upon it and — )
dolph just shakes his head. gives a sharp smile. ]
[For a long moment, two, more- he's quiet save for a hum that couldn't be called agreement or disagreement. The last of the ingredients are in the pot, so he covers it to simmer. Leaves a strainer by the side for after. Roughly, he'll have fifteen minutes uninterrupted by the cooking process, so long as he doesn't forget to stir.
He lets himself think. Lets himself mull over those words and that too sharp smile.
Usually Akira is careful. He's good at reading people, at figuring out what they need. But when he feels too much, he pushes too hard. He knows he certainly did that with Morgana, and probably with Haru, too. Even the mistake that almost cost him his existence didn't train him out of his bad habit of getting lost in the big picture.
He isn't sure if he's done that now. He doesn't know enough of Dolph's story. But what he can do is try to understand.]
Do you think so? [Akira finally turns to look at him again, leans against the counter.] What do you think of your life, right now?
Well, no one's tried to kill me. Or enslave me. No betrayal either. So, pretty good I'd say.
[ and it is the truth. life's never been better, here in this bubble reality. like he stepped out of holloway's virtual reality into this one. free from the cycle of betrayal. free from the rage and the sorrow. best life he's ever had.
[His hands are uncharacteristically still. In a few short words, Akira has grasped more of Dolph's story than he has up til now, and it's more grim than he anticipated. Of course things are good here, where it doesn't feel like everything is against him.]
Some people... They hate it here. They think of this place as a cage. [Eren. Akira doesn't disagree; too much of him can't stand being backed into a corner to feel complacent. And yet...] But I think even a cage can have miracles inside of it.
[He knows it can. Lived it, back home, and he's watched it happen again now.]
No matter what tomorrow brings, you still have precious things you found here.
[ his voice is firm on that. any place that locks you in. never offers a choice. never lets you leave. it may be a nicer cage. a favourable one. but dolph knows enough of cages, pleasant and cruel, to feel the bars. even the virtual reality he stepped in . . . that was a cage too.
it was just a cage with . . . alex. the alex he knew. the alex he loved. the alex he always thought existed. the good man. the man who loved him. a fantasy.
but that has often been the case with people loving dolph.
still. he takes some pity on akira now. ]
You're trying to convince of life. Of more. But I know all that. And I know the end. I hold both in equal measure. There's no escape.
Let it go, Akira. You have other people to see to. I'll be here. Until dream's end.
There's only one thing that really can be, can't it.]
Maybe that's true.
[Maybe it is. Maybe Dolph has seen it. Maybe Akira has, too; in one sense for himself, and in the realest sense for someone else.
But Akira exists again. And that person lives and breathes again, too.
He can't talk about it now. Not now, not in front of Maruki, and maybe they're things he shouldn't say to Dolph at all. But it still burns in his chest, that he's here for a reason.]
It doesn't mean I won't see to you, too. [His fingers finally move; one of them, just the index, with the slowest rhythm.] I'll wait with you, even if it's only to the end of the dream.
[He's here in this place for a reason, but it doesn't have to be for the reason he was called here.
There is someone he will save. And if he can overturn that fate...
Maybe he'll fail. But it doesn't mean he won't fight, even if it tears his soul in two. And it doesn't mean he can't try for Dolph, too.]
[ perhaps he should take that seriously. it is earnest. meaningful. it's not lead in his heart and in his chest, though the ache remains. or perhaps that's just the old phantom pain of being shot in the chest. tears mingled with the sound of gunfire. but maruki is here, listening to every word so dolph has little to fear. maruki wouldn't let anything happen to akira.
when the dream ends, maruki will claw them out. akechi and akira. maybe eren too. he doesn't know if they ever discussed it. they probably have.
but. not dolph. he'll be here. he has nowhere left to go.
still. it is a promise. an oath. dolph has made the same for people here. and he meant them. he always had. so he understands this too. it's strange, seeing the similarities. like a ghostly imprint. like the person he —
never mind that. ]
It's a long time away, I'm sure.
[ he smiles, reaching out to grasp his shoulder lightly. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
with eren and thorfinn, their motivations and feelings were easier to understand. the rage, the rebellion, the fight. he could read them like the back of his palm. with akira, it was the same and it wasn't. it hit a little too close to his heart. he's not sure what to make of that.
and he's certain it's the same for akira. all dolph has right now is the benefit of hindsight and the time given to him here.
try for me, dolph told him. but what did akira want from him, he wonders. ]
It's just the stuff Jean taught me. He's the better cook, as you know.
But I don't mind. I've come to like it.
no subject
[A smile cast over his shoulder, small but true. Back when Sojiro taught him... Maybe he said things like that, too.]
Next time we get together, you can make it for us. I'd like to try your cooking, too.
[Cooking should be shared, so I'd like to share it with you. That's what he'd said to Izutsumi. That's what he feels here, too.
He isn't good with words, or wanting things for himself - except for the times that emotion gets away from him. But this, here, is something that he can do. He can share the meal that he knows best with the two people who frighten him with how quickly they cause him to spill what's in his heart.
It's a recipe that was taught to him by someone that put love and hope into every plate, and sharing that... Well. It's the least that Akira can do.]
no subject
I agree. I'd like that too.
And then, when it's my turn... could I teach you both how to cook something?
no subject
one only had to look at club quartz for that. a replica of club prism, where he first met alex.
everything is just . . . a copy. a weak attempt to hold onto a person's interest. to be human inside. he looks down at his hands. fake and real, side by side. easy to tell apart when you look at him. so much harder to figure out. ]
If you like. I'm not sure . . . there's anything to get out of it. I'm not even sure that you can.
no subject
Let me ask you something.
[Cumin, cardamom, clove. His hands know what to do, even as his lips move. His head turns completely from the pot.]
Do you like seeing Maruki-sensei smile?
[Simple, but utterly direct. Akira doesn't mention anything about himself, even though Dolph has left him feeling like part of his soul has been scooped out. He knows which of these three he can say, without a doubt, are friends. He doesn't say anything else, either; he waits to see what either of them will say.]
no subject
Maruki's eyes stay trained on Akira's, brows raised, and something very much like pride in his gaze.
Akira has always been good at cutting to the heart of the matter. In another life, they questioned one another about cognitive concepts. In this one–
He turns his head toward Dolph then, props his chin up on one hand. Waits to hear the answer. ]
no subject
Yeah, I do. If you say the magic of my cooking does that, I'm gonna walk straight out.
no subject
Not exactly like that, no.
[Any joking edge to his voice slips away quick enough, turns soft again.]
If there's any magic anywhere, it's the smile itself and how you feel when you see it. [Coriander, black pepper. Has hand passes over the cinnamon and plucks up the nutmeg instead. Not this time.] It doesn't matter if someone else can make the food better. It doesn't matter what you think you can or can't do. There will always be worth in what your hands make.
[Akira gives Dolph a long look, before it breaks into a smile again.
"Is it... important to you?"
"You could said that. There's a customer I'm waiting on."]
Never let anyone steal the joy of putting a smile on the face of someone you like. Not even yourself.
no subject
That's Kurusu Akira. That's his guiding light. To think that he ever thought he couldn't measure up to the boy that Maruki knew...
His eyes shine on Akira's for a long moment before he tips his head to look at Dolph. ]
Do you see why he and I have always gotten along so well?
no subject
his hands, as if one wasn't a weapon. his weakness and his power. a door into his head. his metal hand, stained. the property of a corporation that dictated his life. dictated what his hands are for. if you hated it so much, then just give it back lucy had said derisively. this hand of his had killed her. killed jade. killed alex.
perhaps it's easier to think about stolen joys. all I ever wanted was this he told the illusion of alex on the beach, then you had to go fuck it up. but that hadn't been his fault. it wasn't his fault he had to stop loving alex. it wasn't his fault that he couldn't when it's all he ever wanted to do.
so. where to start with this? he doesn't know. he gets the point of it. dolph is his own enemy. everyone's got their own enemy in them. he saw akira's enemy within him not long ago, when he asked for the promise.
he gives a light huff. ]
Yeah, I see it.
[ with a touch of apologetic contriteness for his words, dolph meets akira's gaze. ]
Sorry. But all that stuff was stolen from me long ago. I couldn't tell you what anything is worth. And I know fuck all about joy.
All I'm doing is making it up as I go along. And hope for the best.
no subject
[He nods at him. There's a quiet approval there.]
It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks something is worth, or what they think of joy. The only one who gets to decide those things for you is yourself. [He's looked away for about as long as he can afford to; he breaks eye contact, hands flying over the pot.] It's alright if you don't know yet, either. Just like with those preparations you mentioned to me... it's not something you have to know right away.
[A home that felt hollow, colorless, then full of betrayal. Tokyo felt like where his life began.
He's almost certain it can't compare to whatever deep wounds Dolph experienced. But maybe he knows the steps that are similar enough to help.]
You're the one that decides those things for yourself. I can't tell you how you should or shouldn't feel about something. But I can tell you what worked for me. [His eyes fall shut for just a moment, several faces flashing in his mind's eye - and then quick enough, he's back to work again.] I did what I think you've already started to do. I found myself surrounded by people that knew love. I let their kindness teach me and help me relearn things I thought I'd forgotten. And slowly, everything else fell into place.
[He became happy. Even in the times that he felt hollow, even in the times he felt grief... They helped him be happy.]
Keep finding your way.
[And then, ever so slightly, his voice shifts into something firmer. Deeper.]
Steal back what was stolen from you. Make this life yours.
no subject
He is in the unenviable position of knowing Dolph's story. Of knowing that there is nothing left for him to steal back.
While Akira speaks, Maruki shifts his chair a bit closer to Dolph's, enough so that he can rest a hand against his back without calling too much attention to it. A calm, warm, anchoring weight.
He's here. ]
cw: brief mention of death
[ his voice sounds so distant from himself. who is even speaking? dolph laserhawk? or captain laserhawk? it probably doesn't even matter. they were both abysmal failures. dolph couldn't even make someone love him. captain laserhawk couldn't even save a single person. ultimately, they are the same in that regard. it doesn't matter which person he wanted to be. there's no going back. there's no turning back the clock.
even now, he could be owned by someone else. all it would take is his weakness to be revealed and whatever person he chooses to be can be erased. a few strokes on the keyboard, an inserted virus and it'll be like he never existed at all. he could stand right there and it'll have as much weight as the air around.
he's standing right here and — it's unbearable. he could flicker out right now and it'll be maruki and akira in the kitchen. cooking. eating. laughing. nothing will be missed. nothing will be noticed. a ghost? laughable. he'd be lucky if he even counted as one.
but akira is still right. so dolph inclines his head towards him. he doesn't bow under the weight of those words. he can suffer that kindness. that hope. it matters. to say it at all still matters. it hasn't fallen on deaf ears. just someone who was never here at all. never meant to be.
( idly, he wonders if holloway wiped the bloody smear on the ground. did he take a pause? did he look upon it and — )
dolph just shakes his head. gives a sharp smile. ]
Can't you tell? My life's overflowing.
no subject
He lets himself think. Lets himself mull over those words and that too sharp smile.
Usually Akira is careful. He's good at reading people, at figuring out what they need. But when he feels too much, he pushes too hard. He knows he certainly did that with Morgana, and probably with Haru, too. Even the mistake that almost cost him his existence didn't train him out of his bad habit of getting lost in the big picture.
He isn't sure if he's done that now. He doesn't know enough of Dolph's story. But what he can do is try to understand.]
Do you think so? [Akira finally turns to look at him again, leans against the counter.] What do you think of your life, right now?
no subject
He doesn't remove his hand from Dolph's back. Just watches, and listens. ]
no subject
Well, no one's tried to kill me. Or enslave me. No betrayal either. So, pretty good I'd say.
[ and it is the truth. life's never been better, here in this bubble reality. like he stepped out of holloway's virtual reality into this one. free from the cycle of betrayal. free from the rage and the sorrow. best life he's ever had.
shame it ended long ago. ]
As good a life as I'll ever get, really.
no subject
Some people... They hate it here. They think of this place as a cage. [Eren. Akira doesn't disagree; too much of him can't stand being backed into a corner to feel complacent. And yet...] But I think even a cage can have miracles inside of it.
[He knows it can. Lived it, back home, and he's watched it happen again now.]
No matter what tomorrow brings, you still have precious things you found here.
no subject
[ his voice is firm on that. any place that locks you in. never offers a choice. never lets you leave. it may be a nicer cage. a favourable one. but dolph knows enough of cages, pleasant and cruel, to feel the bars. even the virtual reality he stepped in . . . that was a cage too.
it was just a cage with . . . alex. the alex he knew. the alex he loved. the alex he always thought existed. the good man. the man who loved him. a fantasy.
but that has often been the case with people loving dolph.
still. he takes some pity on akira now. ]
You're trying to convince of life. Of more. But I know all that. And I know the end. I hold both in equal measure. There's no escape.
Let it go, Akira. You have other people to see to. I'll be here. Until dream's end.
no subject
The "end".
There's only one thing that really can be, can't it.]
Maybe that's true.
[Maybe it is. Maybe Dolph has seen it. Maybe Akira has, too; in one sense for himself, and in the realest sense for someone else.
But Akira exists again. And that person lives and breathes again, too.
He can't talk about it now. Not now, not in front of Maruki, and maybe they're things he shouldn't say to Dolph at all. But it still burns in his chest, that he's here for a reason.]
It doesn't mean I won't see to you, too. [His fingers finally move; one of them, just the index, with the slowest rhythm.] I'll wait with you, even if it's only to the end of the dream.
[He's here in this place for a reason, but it doesn't have to be for the reason he was called here.
There is someone he will save. And if he can overturn that fate...
Maybe he'll fail. But it doesn't mean he won't fight, even if it tears his soul in two. And it doesn't mean he can't try for Dolph, too.]
no subject
when the dream ends, maruki will claw them out. akechi and akira. maybe eren too. he doesn't know if they ever discussed it. they probably have.
but. not dolph. he'll be here. he has nowhere left to go.
still. it is a promise. an oath. dolph has made the same for people here. and he meant them. he always had. so he understands this too. it's strange, seeing the similarities. like a ghostly imprint. like the person he —
never mind that. ]
It's a long time away, I'm sure.
[ he smiles, reaching out to grasp his shoulder lightly. ]
Enjoy the dream for now.
no subject
And yet Akira doesn't move. Doesn't fight it. Doesn't even flinch.
It's Dolph.
And Maruki is near.
And he's okay.]
I should hope so. [He doesn't smile, but there's something terribly soft in his eyes when he says it.] I have a lot more to cook for you than this.
[Long enough to learn and understand. Long enough to plan and fight.
Maybe that's what Akira would wish for, now.]
no subject
he huffs finally. ]
Why not? Saves me the trouble.
no subject
Good. I'll have a long list ready for you.
[More and more, til he runs out of ideas - and even then, Akira will find a way to keep going.]
wrapppp?
Then just call me over. Whenever.