[ It isn't Maruki's place to say anything on this. It's meant for Dolph, but–
He is in the unenviable position of knowing Dolph's story. Of knowing that there is nothing left for him to steal back.
While Akira speaks, Maruki shifts his chair a bit closer to Dolph's, enough so that he can rest a hand against his back without calling too much attention to it. A calm, warm, anchoring weight.
[ his voice sounds so distant from himself. who is even speaking? dolph laserhawk? or captain laserhawk? it probably doesn't even matter. they were both abysmal failures. dolph couldn't even make someone love him. captain laserhawk couldn't even save a single person. ultimately, they are the same in that regard. it doesn't matter which person he wanted to be. there's no going back. there's no turning back the clock.
even now, he could be owned by someone else. all it would take is his weakness to be revealed and whatever person he chooses to be can be erased. a few strokes on the keyboard, an inserted virus and it'll be like he never existed at all. he could stand right there and it'll have as much weight as the air around.
he's standing right here and — it's unbearable. he could flicker out right now and it'll be maruki and akira in the kitchen. cooking. eating. laughing. nothing will be missed. nothing will be noticed. a ghost? laughable. he'd be lucky if he even counted as one.
but akira is still right. so dolph inclines his head towards him. he doesn't bow under the weight of those words. he can suffer that kindness. that hope. it matters. to say it at all still matters. it hasn't fallen on deaf ears. just someone who was never here at all. never meant to be.
( idly, he wonders if holloway wiped the bloody smear on the ground. did he take a pause? did he look upon it and — )
dolph just shakes his head. gives a sharp smile. ]
[For a long moment, two, more- he's quiet save for a hum that couldn't be called agreement or disagreement. The last of the ingredients are in the pot, so he covers it to simmer. Leaves a strainer by the side for after. Roughly, he'll have fifteen minutes uninterrupted by the cooking process, so long as he doesn't forget to stir.
He lets himself think. Lets himself mull over those words and that too sharp smile.
Usually Akira is careful. He's good at reading people, at figuring out what they need. But when he feels too much, he pushes too hard. He knows he certainly did that with Morgana, and probably with Haru, too. Even the mistake that almost cost him his existence didn't train him out of his bad habit of getting lost in the big picture.
He isn't sure if he's done that now. He doesn't know enough of Dolph's story. But what he can do is try to understand.]
Do you think so? [Akira finally turns to look at him again, leans against the counter.] What do you think of your life, right now?
Well, no one's tried to kill me. Or enslave me. No betrayal either. So, pretty good I'd say.
[ and it is the truth. life's never been better, here in this bubble reality. like he stepped out of holloway's virtual reality into this one. free from the cycle of betrayal. free from the rage and the sorrow. best life he's ever had.
[His hands are uncharacteristically still. In a few short words, Akira has grasped more of Dolph's story than he has up til now, and it's more grim than he anticipated. Of course things are good here, where it doesn't feel like everything is against him.]
Some people... They hate it here. They think of this place as a cage. [Eren. Akira doesn't disagree; too much of him can't stand being backed into a corner to feel complacent. And yet...] But I think even a cage can have miracles inside of it.
[He knows it can. Lived it, back home, and he's watched it happen again now.]
No matter what tomorrow brings, you still have precious things you found here.
[ his voice is firm on that. any place that locks you in. never offers a choice. never lets you leave. it may be a nicer cage. a favourable one. but dolph knows enough of cages, pleasant and cruel, to feel the bars. even the virtual reality he stepped in . . . that was a cage too.
it was just a cage with . . . alex. the alex he knew. the alex he loved. the alex he always thought existed. the good man. the man who loved him. a fantasy.
but that has often been the case with people loving dolph.
still. he takes some pity on akira now. ]
You're trying to convince of life. Of more. But I know all that. And I know the end. I hold both in equal measure. There's no escape.
Let it go, Akira. You have other people to see to. I'll be here. Until dream's end.
There's only one thing that really can be, can't it.]
Maybe that's true.
[Maybe it is. Maybe Dolph has seen it. Maybe Akira has, too; in one sense for himself, and in the realest sense for someone else.
But Akira exists again. And that person lives and breathes again, too.
He can't talk about it now. Not now, not in front of Maruki, and maybe they're things he shouldn't say to Dolph at all. But it still burns in his chest, that he's here for a reason.]
It doesn't mean I won't see to you, too. [His fingers finally move; one of them, just the index, with the slowest rhythm.] I'll wait with you, even if it's only to the end of the dream.
[He's here in this place for a reason, but it doesn't have to be for the reason he was called here.
There is someone he will save. And if he can overturn that fate...
Maybe he'll fail. But it doesn't mean he won't fight, even if it tears his soul in two. And it doesn't mean he can't try for Dolph, too.]
[ perhaps he should take that seriously. it is earnest. meaningful. it's not lead in his heart and in his chest, though the ache remains. or perhaps that's just the old phantom pain of being shot in the chest. tears mingled with the sound of gunfire. but maruki is here, listening to every word so dolph has little to fear. maruki wouldn't let anything happen to akira.
when the dream ends, maruki will claw them out. akechi and akira. maybe eren too. he doesn't know if they ever discussed it. they probably have.
but. not dolph. he'll be here. he has nowhere left to go.
still. it is a promise. an oath. dolph has made the same for people here. and he meant them. he always had. so he understands this too. it's strange, seeing the similarities. like a ghostly imprint. like the person he —
never mind that. ]
It's a long time away, I'm sure.
[ he smiles, reaching out to grasp his shoulder lightly. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
He is in the unenviable position of knowing Dolph's story. Of knowing that there is nothing left for him to steal back.
While Akira speaks, Maruki shifts his chair a bit closer to Dolph's, enough so that he can rest a hand against his back without calling too much attention to it. A calm, warm, anchoring weight.
He's here. ]
cw: brief mention of death
[ his voice sounds so distant from himself. who is even speaking? dolph laserhawk? or captain laserhawk? it probably doesn't even matter. they were both abysmal failures. dolph couldn't even make someone love him. captain laserhawk couldn't even save a single person. ultimately, they are the same in that regard. it doesn't matter which person he wanted to be. there's no going back. there's no turning back the clock.
even now, he could be owned by someone else. all it would take is his weakness to be revealed and whatever person he chooses to be can be erased. a few strokes on the keyboard, an inserted virus and it'll be like he never existed at all. he could stand right there and it'll have as much weight as the air around.
he's standing right here and — it's unbearable. he could flicker out right now and it'll be maruki and akira in the kitchen. cooking. eating. laughing. nothing will be missed. nothing will be noticed. a ghost? laughable. he'd be lucky if he even counted as one.
but akira is still right. so dolph inclines his head towards him. he doesn't bow under the weight of those words. he can suffer that kindness. that hope. it matters. to say it at all still matters. it hasn't fallen on deaf ears. just someone who was never here at all. never meant to be.
( idly, he wonders if holloway wiped the bloody smear on the ground. did he take a pause? did he look upon it and — )
dolph just shakes his head. gives a sharp smile. ]
Can't you tell? My life's overflowing.
no subject
He lets himself think. Lets himself mull over those words and that too sharp smile.
Usually Akira is careful. He's good at reading people, at figuring out what they need. But when he feels too much, he pushes too hard. He knows he certainly did that with Morgana, and probably with Haru, too. Even the mistake that almost cost him his existence didn't train him out of his bad habit of getting lost in the big picture.
He isn't sure if he's done that now. He doesn't know enough of Dolph's story. But what he can do is try to understand.]
Do you think so? [Akira finally turns to look at him again, leans against the counter.] What do you think of your life, right now?
no subject
He doesn't remove his hand from Dolph's back. Just watches, and listens. ]
no subject
Well, no one's tried to kill me. Or enslave me. No betrayal either. So, pretty good I'd say.
[ and it is the truth. life's never been better, here in this bubble reality. like he stepped out of holloway's virtual reality into this one. free from the cycle of betrayal. free from the rage and the sorrow. best life he's ever had.
shame it ended long ago. ]
As good a life as I'll ever get, really.
no subject
Some people... They hate it here. They think of this place as a cage. [Eren. Akira doesn't disagree; too much of him can't stand being backed into a corner to feel complacent. And yet...] But I think even a cage can have miracles inside of it.
[He knows it can. Lived it, back home, and he's watched it happen again now.]
No matter what tomorrow brings, you still have precious things you found here.
no subject
[ his voice is firm on that. any place that locks you in. never offers a choice. never lets you leave. it may be a nicer cage. a favourable one. but dolph knows enough of cages, pleasant and cruel, to feel the bars. even the virtual reality he stepped in . . . that was a cage too.
it was just a cage with . . . alex. the alex he knew. the alex he loved. the alex he always thought existed. the good man. the man who loved him. a fantasy.
but that has often been the case with people loving dolph.
still. he takes some pity on akira now. ]
You're trying to convince of life. Of more. But I know all that. And I know the end. I hold both in equal measure. There's no escape.
Let it go, Akira. You have other people to see to. I'll be here. Until dream's end.
no subject
The "end".
There's only one thing that really can be, can't it.]
Maybe that's true.
[Maybe it is. Maybe Dolph has seen it. Maybe Akira has, too; in one sense for himself, and in the realest sense for someone else.
But Akira exists again. And that person lives and breathes again, too.
He can't talk about it now. Not now, not in front of Maruki, and maybe they're things he shouldn't say to Dolph at all. But it still burns in his chest, that he's here for a reason.]
It doesn't mean I won't see to you, too. [His fingers finally move; one of them, just the index, with the slowest rhythm.] I'll wait with you, even if it's only to the end of the dream.
[He's here in this place for a reason, but it doesn't have to be for the reason he was called here.
There is someone he will save. And if he can overturn that fate...
Maybe he'll fail. But it doesn't mean he won't fight, even if it tears his soul in two. And it doesn't mean he can't try for Dolph, too.]
no subject
when the dream ends, maruki will claw them out. akechi and akira. maybe eren too. he doesn't know if they ever discussed it. they probably have.
but. not dolph. he'll be here. he has nowhere left to go.
still. it is a promise. an oath. dolph has made the same for people here. and he meant them. he always had. so he understands this too. it's strange, seeing the similarities. like a ghostly imprint. like the person he —
never mind that. ]
It's a long time away, I'm sure.
[ he smiles, reaching out to grasp his shoulder lightly. ]
Enjoy the dream for now.
no subject
And yet Akira doesn't move. Doesn't fight it. Doesn't even flinch.
It's Dolph.
And Maruki is near.
And he's okay.]
I should hope so. [He doesn't smile, but there's something terribly soft in his eyes when he says it.] I have a lot more to cook for you than this.
[Long enough to learn and understand. Long enough to plan and fight.
Maybe that's what Akira would wish for, now.]
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he huffs finally. ]
Why not? Saves me the trouble.
no subject
Good. I'll have a long list ready for you.
[More and more, til he runs out of ideas - and even then, Akira will find a way to keep going.]
wrapppp?
Then just call me over. Whenever.