[The pause that comes this time isn't because Akira makes space for one. It's because, for a moment, there's a quiet hurt and shock that spills across his face before he can reign it in.
He would never have wished for tonight's circumstances, because Maruki could've died. He's been terrified, Akira's been terrified. He can't say he's thankful for it, but he does wish something less threatening had brought this conversation to fruition, because Akira doesn't think he would've realized it otherwise. As is always his mistake, he never notices the small tree rotting through with disease, because he's too caught up watching the rest of the forest.
"You can lean on me too if you need it, Akira."
"I'd promised myself that if you were ever in trouble, I would leap in to save you."
The tight feeling in his chest... Is this how the others feel when they watch him put everyone else first, when he won't even accept help and takes it all on alone? How long will he have to wait to even get the chance to apologize for it?
He'd thought Maruki had trouble wanting things for himself. It's why he'd even asked; from the time he's known of his plans for actualization, all signs had pointed in that direction. Akira just hadn't realized how deep it actually went.
With all the grace of a cat, he unfolds himself and steps away from the counter, approaching the table until he's close enough to put his cup down and place his hands down after. From any other angle, it probably looks like Akira is about to question or accuse him... but his face is so, so sad.
It's the saddest he's ever looked, as if he's moments from his heart breaking, and he doesn't even think Maruki will understand why.]
That isn't what I asked you.
[How can he say it to make him understand? It feels like trying to change a heart with his bare hands, and even Sae had at least needed a push in the right direction to do it on her own.]
It's human to want to live. There isn't anything selfish about it. But I'm not asking you about surviving. [His fingers clench on the table with the desire to rip away the torch that he cannot reach, but the soft sadness in his voice and eyes don't change.] When was the last time you did something you liked? Not for surviving, or for functioning day to day... When did you do something that wasn't tied to someone else's happiness?
[Even as he says it, he thinks with a churn in his stomach that he already knows the answer.]
thesaurus.com says a synonym for pride is delight
He would never have wished for tonight's circumstances, because Maruki could've died. He's been terrified, Akira's been terrified. He can't say he's thankful for it, but he does wish something less threatening had brought this conversation to fruition, because Akira doesn't think he would've realized it otherwise. As is always his mistake, he never notices the small tree rotting through with disease, because he's too caught up watching the rest of the forest.
"You can lean on me too if you need it, Akira."
"I'd promised myself that if you were ever in trouble, I would leap in to save you."
The tight feeling in his chest... Is this how the others feel when they watch him put everyone else first, when he won't even accept help and takes it all on alone? How long will he have to wait to even get the chance to apologize for it?
He'd thought Maruki had trouble wanting things for himself. It's why he'd even asked; from the time he's known of his plans for actualization, all signs had pointed in that direction. Akira just hadn't realized how deep it actually went.
With all the grace of a cat, he unfolds himself and steps away from the counter, approaching the table until he's close enough to put his cup down and place his hands down after. From any other angle, it probably looks like Akira is about to question or accuse him... but his face is so, so sad.
It's the saddest he's ever looked, as if he's moments from his heart breaking, and he doesn't even think Maruki will understand why.]
That isn't what I asked you.
[How can he say it to make him understand? It feels like trying to change a heart with his bare hands, and even Sae had at least needed a push in the right direction to do it on her own.]
It's human to want to live. There isn't anything selfish about it. But I'm not asking you about surviving. [His fingers clench on the table with the desire to rip away the torch that he cannot reach, but the soft sadness in his voice and eyes don't change.] When was the last time you did something you liked? Not for surviving, or for functioning day to day... When did you do something that wasn't tied to someone else's happiness?
[Even as he says it, he thinks with a churn in his stomach that he already knows the answer.]